What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
09.06.2025 03:26
Especially a lifetime of it.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Why do I sweat so much after applying moisture or sun screen on my face? I have normal skin.
I think the readers, may guess!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
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Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She wouldn,t have been !
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
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We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I was very sick at this time too.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Why are there so many girls and not enough boys to follow?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Why is it easy to make money in the USA?
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
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Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Put me off passion for life!!
I could never make a relationship work though!
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We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I was seconnd youngest,
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With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
My life is so biszare .
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Was to survive, this bastard.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Why don't I get sleep at nights?
All the time i was locked up.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I will be 64.
So, i spoilt her more .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
It was going to be , some day.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
(And it was in our own minds.)
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I was scared of men, in general
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I write beautiful poetry .
Ive learnt so much.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But it wasn’t much.
What did i know ?
But ive been too sick for many years..
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
We all went to grammer schools
I don,t even have a pension.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Would this be the day?
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Who then, do I blame.?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
My mum and dad in the seventies!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She married twice! .
Comes on , in middle age.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
This is soul school!.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
My family never makes their pension either.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
When she asked me how she looked .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
She loved him until the end.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I never cut or harmed myself..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I waited trembling.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But, we were locked up after school.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I said to her
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Why did i forgive my father ?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
So whats the point in blame.
And i lived it daily.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He resisted the act ,that day.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He knew the spot.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
She found it foreign!.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She was in good health!
As i do to all so called friends.?
I have no regrets .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
We were not on the streets..
One cannot live in the past .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Im still living with it.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I was 9 years of age.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.